


Without You I Fade

by Bellobelle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Magic Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 09:35:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellobelle/pseuds/Bellobelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin reveals his magic, Arthur goes into a rage, sending Merlin into exile. It doesn't take long for him to realize his mistake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You I Fade

Arthur stood over the table, hands braced, knuckles white. His jaw was clenched, and through the white-hot rage that was coursing through him, he was trembling. His mind churned with what he had just seen, not quite believable, but impossible to deny. Merlin had held fire, right in the palm of his hand, and his eyes were _glowing,_ blue irises obscured with the molten gold of magic...

Merlin said nothing, watching the back of the king as he waited with bated breath. Finally he couldn't take the suspense.

"Sire?" He said tentatively. Arthur whirled around.

" _I trusted you!"_ He bellowed. Merlin shrunk back from the sight of his livid eyes. "I trusted you, just like I trusted Morgana, and Agravaine! All this time, after everything, I thought you, of all people were the one person I could trust, the one person I could truly call a-"

He choked on the last word, unable to finish. He took in a shaky breath.

"But even you have betrayed me."

Merlin shook his head. "I never betrayed you," He protested. "I kept it a secret but I never betrayed you. I knew you would react like this, I knew you wouldn't like it, or your father would have had me killed. Over and over again you have told me how you hated magic, how you believed that it's evil and all that practice it. How could I tell you knowing you felt that way? I never meant to hurt you, Arthur."

Arthur stared hard at his servant, daring him to continue.

"I only use my powers for good. I have saved your life more times than I can count, as well as all of Camelot. I've been your servant for years, don't you think if I wanted to hurt you, I'd have done it by now?"

Arthur only stared.

"Arthur, I'm your friend. Please, you know me."

"I thought I knew you," The king spat. "No friend of mine is a sorcerer.:

Hurt played across Merlin's face at the venom in his voice. "So what then," He said quietly, "Are you going to have me executed?"

The king said nothing. On one hand, he had always believed magic was evil, and not to be trusted, punishable by death. But Merlin had technically done nothing wrong. There had been plenty of opportunity for him to kill Arthur. Perhaps he was biding his time. Why should Arthur trust the words of a sorcerer, especially one who had betrayed his trust for so long? Merlin had been his one true friend, his rock through the whirlwind of uncertainty that was his life.

Arthur's mind worked furiously as he battled through his inner conflict. He should be dragging Merlin to the dungeons, giving the order to have him executed. But he couldn't bring himself to kill the man standing before him, watching him apprehensively.

"No," He said finally. He stepped closer. "I'm not going to kill you."

"Run," His voice was low and deadly. "Leave Camelot and never return.

Merlin's eyes widened. "No," He breathed, "Arthur please..."

"You will leave Camelot!" Arthur roared. "You will flee, and if I ever see your face again...I will kill you." He drew out the last words in a final promise, and Merlin knew that the king was telling the truth.

"You have until sunrise."

Merlin paused to gaze at him, then turned and fled Arthur's chambers, running as fast as he could. Behind him, Arthur buried his face in his hands and sank to the floor. When he was sure he was alone, he allowed himself to cry.

*

Arthur and the knights conferred together in the council room, the others standing in a ring around their king. They watched him nervously, waiting for him to speak. Finally he did, "Did any of you know?"

The knights were silent. The news of Merlin's banishment had shaken them all to the core. He had been their friend too, none of them suspected that he could have magic. They wanted to tell Arthur to bring him back, that he couldn't be evil, he's _Merlin,_ he would never hurt anyone, but they knew that the king would not be swayed. They shook their heads.

"So he has deceived us all then. Let it be known, gentlemen: You are my most trusted men, but recent events have made it clear to me that I often put my trust in the wrong people. If any of you have such secrets, you must stop. Magic is the most hated crime, but I cannot afford to lose anyone else. I implore you to tell me. I won't ask questions, you will not be punished, but I will not have any more secrets kept from me."

The silence was deafening as the knights were still. Arthur watched each of their faces carefully.

"Good. Then let Merlin be an example to you. Anyone caught using magic will be punished severely, and I won't be so merciful as to just banish you. All forms of sorcery are now and forever forbidden, is that understood?"

A chorus of "yes, sire"s echoed around the room. Arthur nodded.

"You are dismissed." The knights bowed and filed from the room, solemnly averting their eyes. Gwaine remained a beat longer, staring at the king with a mixture of hurt, surprise, and disappointment. Arthur stared back, and the knight blinked, bowed, and left the room with the others.

*

The January air cut like a knife, the frosty cold air blowing and swirling, frost crystallizing on every surface. The king stood on the balcony overlooking the courtyard, his breath coming in shaky breathes, rising in a puff of steam from his nose. He shivered and pulled his cloak tighter around his body. The sooner he could get inside the better. Behind him, he heard the crunch of feet on snow and turned to see Gwaineapproaching.

"Sire, it's freezing out here, you need to come inside."

"Thought you'd be in the tavern by now," He said.

"I thought I'd come and invite you, you seem lonely," Gwaine teased. "Tavern's nice and warm, you know."

"I'm the king," Said Arthur. "I don't go to the tavern."

"Come on, don't you want a break from all your kingly duties?" Gwaine asked. "The tavern's warm and the drinks are good and the people are friendly! Shouldn't you be mingling with the commoners?"

"I can do plenty of that in the market during warmer months."

"It'd be nice to be amongst friends though, wouldn't it?"

Arthur paused. "I'm the king," He said. "I don't need friends."

Gwaine sighed. "Sire, you've been closed off from everyone lately. You and us knights used to be friends, I thought. Now you just bark orders at us. You've even grown distant from Guinevere."

"Friends aren't important to being king. They're distractions; I can't let them get in the way of my duties."

"But you have to brighten up a little bit, otherwise you'll turn into one of those cold heartless kings. Come on, just one drink-"

" _No,_ Gwaine," The king interrupted. The knight fell silent, but he didn't leave.

"It's bloody freezing out here," He said, changing the subject. Arthur nodded in agreement, staring out over the city blanketed in white. "Looks like a blizzard will be coming soon. I pity whoever gets caught outside in that." Arthur said nothing, hoping Gwaine would just go away. He didn't. "If anybody is stuck outside they'll be dead for sure, hypothermia or something," He said. "Especially if they were in the woods, they would have to find a house here in Camelot to stay in until the storm is over."

"Indeed. Good thing the people all have a roof over their heads."

"Not everyone," Said Gwaine, casting a glance at the king. "If someone were in the woods, if they had lost their home for some reason, they wouldn't have a place to go, like if they had been banished..."

Arthur's jaw clenched. He knew exactly what Gwaine was getting at. "Gwaine, if there's something you want to say, spit it out."

"I'm not saying anything!" Said the knight, throwing his palms up. "I'm just saying anyone who had been banished recently won't last a week in this weather."

"But if they had been banished then they did something wrong, and their safety is not my concern."

"You know that's not true. So what if he kept his magic a secret from you, Merlin has always been your friend, you can't just leave him out like this-"

" _Gwaine!"_ Arthur said sharply. "I will not hear of you defending him. His actions were wrong. Magic is outlawed and he knew that, he betrayed me, all of Camelot, and he betrayed you too. Never speak of him again or I will accuse _you_ of sorcery too, understand?"

Gwaine gaped at the king after his outburst, jaw hanging open. Then he closed his mouth and nodded silently. Arthur nodded.

"Good. Now go off to the tavern or whatever it is you do in your spare time." He dismissed. Gwaine stared for a second longer, bowed, and walked quickly away. Arthur stayed out on the balcony a moment longer, feeling the icy cold wind cut straight through his cloak, watching the dark snow-filled clouds that were rapidly approaching. Then he turned and retreated into the warmth of the castle.

*

"Giaus!" Arthur called as he entered the physician's chambers. He started slightly as he saw the state of the room: books, jars, and bottles were stacked in haphazard piles around the room, overflowing from the tables and shelves and cluttering on the ground so that it was difficult to see the floorboards. The old man appeared at once from behind a tall stack of books piled around the room.

"Yes, sire? How can I help you?" He said.

"I think I might be coming down with a bit of a cold, I need a remedy before it turns into something worse," Informed the king.

"Yes sire," Said Giaus. "I'm afraid that's a popular potion these days what with spring approaching, so I'm afraid you will have to wait while I make a fresh batch."

"Of course," Said Arthur. "I can wait here, if that's alright."

"Of course," Said Giaus, and he began moving around the room, pulling bottles and jars off of shelves and setting them on the already cluttered table. Arthur sat down and watched the old man move to one of the towering stacks of books and began to rifle through it, searching for a recipe book. The king frowned.

"Don't you have the book?" He asked.

"The recipe is in one of these old books," Giaus said, "But it's a bit hard to find amongst all these other ones, since I have far more books than I have shelf space for."

Arthur cast his eyes around and saw the door at the back of the room hanging slightly ajar, yielding to the empty room beyond. "Why don't you use that room?"  
he asked, pointing. Giaus only glanced at it.

"For what, sire?" he said vaguely, finally extracting the book he was searching for from the bottom of a pile.

"For putting extra books and supplies in. That room isn't being used, surely you could do with the extra space around here."

"Oh, yes I suppose I hadn't considered that," Giaus said, as he opened the thick book and began adding ingredients to a bowl.

"Why not? You're a smart man, Giaus, why not use that empty room?" Arthur asked. Giaus glanced at him warily.

"I..." he started. "I would rather keep that room open, in case, well...never mind."

Arthur saw Giaus very deliberately looking down at his recipe book, and sighed. "Merlin isn't coming back. Even if he were allowed he's nowhere to be found out there. It's likely he didn't even survive the winter. You might as well put his room to use."

Giaus said nothing. Arthur tried again, "I know he was like a son to you, he was like a brother to me, I understand. But what he did was unforgivable, Giaus, we all know that."

"Not unforgivable, perhaps," said the physician, "It would have been unforgivable if he had used his magic for evil, but Merlin saved the life of you, me, and all of Camelot many times over. If it weren't for his magic, I'm certain we would all be dead by now."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked. Giaus looked up to meet his eyes.

"Think of all the times you have nearly died, Arthur. Every time you were in battle, or attacked by bandits in the woods, or some magical creature was on the verge of killing you. Each time Merlin was there to rescue you. Remember when the Great Dragon attacked the city? You didn't kill it, Merlin sent it away, because he is a dragon lord, the last one."

Arthur stared. "I thought Balinor was the last one..."

"Balinor was Merlin's father!" Giaus nearly shouted. "Now Merlin controls all the dragons of the land, and if it weren't for him keeping control, they might have destroyed us all by now!"

Arthur's heart sank. "If he used magic only for good, why didn't he tell me sooner?"

"Look at how you reacted when he did. You banished him into exile, he knew exactly what you would do! Your father planted the idea in your mind that magic was evil, he needed to be sure you had changed opinions before he told you, and he badly misjudged his timing." Giaus glared sharply at the king. "Merlin never meant any harm to anyone. He was your best friend, it was his destiny to protect you, just as it is your destiny to be the greatest king Albion has ever seen."

Arthur was silent, a mixture of grief and shock playing through his mind. True, he had never been wronged by Merlin, as far as he knew, but how was he to be sure he had never been enchanted before? How was he to know that he hadn't been manipulating him from the very start?

"He wasn't evil," Said Giaus. "Deep down you know that Merlin could never be evil. He was your friend, he was everyone's friend. You miss him, don't you? I can tell. If you don't mind me saying so, ever since he left you have been very closed off to everyone."

Arthur waited a long time to respond. Finally he said, "Yes, I have." Giaus nodded solemnly.

"We all miss him terribly."

Arthur tried to hide the hot tears that were threatening to flood his eyes. He blinked hard. "It's too late, anyways," He said roughly. "He's banished, and he can never come back. Even if I went looking for him I wouldn't be able to find him anyways, and he probably didn't survive the winter. He's gone for good."

Giaus' face fell. Arthur blinked again, the lump in his throat becoming ever more prominent. "I have duties to attend to," He stammered out, "Have the remedy sent to me when it's ready." Then he turned and fled the room quickly, not trusting himself to remain in his friend's former chambers a second longer.

*

"Sire, there's a cave just there, we should stay there tonight," Said Elyan, pointing to the mouth of a large-looking cave, partially hidden by trees and lush plants. Arthur considered it. The mid-summer sun was setting, and he and the knights were farther from Camelot than any of them had ever been. He wouldn't admit it, but they were starting to get lost, and being so far into unfamiliar territory was putting him on edge. They needed a safe place to spend the night so that they could rest and continue on the next morning. This cave seemed to be an acceptable shelter.

"Good idea. Move in." The king and the knights ties their horses and trudged into the dark cave, lighting torches and holding them in front of them, scanning the area for hidden dangers. It seemed safe. The walls were moist and bare, with several cracks and crevices crisscrossing them. The floor was devoid of anything save for rocks and animal droppings. "It looks empty," The king called to his men. "We should be safe here for the night-"

He stopped as the torchlight fell on the far corner of the cave, where a small backpack sat next to a rolled up sleeping mat and a fire pit.

"Somebody's here," He whispered, and moved closer. The fire pit was dark and warm, recently lit and used often. The sleeping mat was rolled up and propped against the wall, looking very worn. The backpack was dirty and torn, caked in dirt and plant stains. Arthur and his men approached the pack hesitantly. The king carefully reached out and flipped the top open, revealing bunches of clothes and one large, worn, leather-bound book. Sitting on the top was something that made his heart stop- a very familiar looking blue piece of cloth. He picked it up, hardly daring to hope...

Suddenly, he heard footsteps behind him that didn't belong to the knights. He turned, and there he was.

Merlin was walking into the cave, his arms full of firewood. He looked up and saw the men gaping at him, and froze. For one second that seemed to last several, they stared each other down, eyes wide, hardly daring to breathe. Then there was a crash as Merlin let the wood cascade from his arms and turned to sprint from the cave.

As soon as he was off, Arthur was after him. Merlin ran ahead, occasionally glancing behind him. He sped up, running for his life. Arthur followed, desperately trying to catch up. He jumped over tree roots and rocks, dodging branches and ducking around trees. His breaths came in ragged gasps, his lungs screaming for rest, but still he ran. Unfortunately, Merlin knew these woods far better, following hidden paths to gain lead. Just when he was about to lose his follower, his foot hit a branch and he was sent sprawling to the ground. He scrambled to rise, but he knew it was over. So he turned, breathing heavily, to face his hunter.

"Merlin!" Arthur gasped as he came to a halt in front of him.

"Arthur..." Merlin rasped, "Please, Arthur, don't kill me."

The king started, about to protest, and the memory of his promise returned to him:

" _If I ever see your face again, I will kill you."_

Arthur's heart sank. "I would never kill you..." He said softly. Merlin furrowed his brow.

"You said you would, if you ever saw me again."

Arthur broke. He approached the other man, first taking one tentative step, then rushing forward. Merlin flinched visibly, expecting to be punched. Instead, he was enveloped in a crushing hug. He stiffened with surprise, his arms pinned to his side by the tight grip of the king. Arthur buried his face into Merlin's neck, and when the smallest of whimpers escaped him, Merlin realized with a shock that the king was crying.

That's how the knights found them, the exiled sorcerer caught in a tight embrace by the king, who was sobbing into his shoulder. The knights looked on as Merlin awkwardly patted Arthur's back and the two broke apart.

"I'm sorry," Arthur whispered weakly, tears shining from his cheeks.

"You're- sorry?" Merlin echoed.

"This past year...it's been hell without you...Giaus explained everything to me. All the times you've sacrificed yourself for me. I see now, too late, that you have only ever been loyal to me. I wanted to bring you back, but by then you were long gone." He paused, and Merlin stared at him in disbelief. "I can only hope you can forgive me."

The knights stood nervously looking between Merlin and Arthur. Merlin watched him, and in that moment it was not a king that stood before him, it was Arthur, his friend, raw and pure, begging him for forgiveness, and he knew he meant it.

"So, you're not going to kill me then?"

Arthur let out a hysterical yelp of laughter and his face split into a brilliant smile. He made a move as if to hug him again, but before he could there was a cheer from behind him and the knights rushed past him. Leon, Percival, Elyan, and Gwaine tackled Merlin with hugs, the warlock returning them with enthusiasm.

The group returned to the cave, Arthur and Merlin side by side. The king looked over his long lost friend, and his heart twinged with guilt. His clothes were ragged, full of holes and covered in dirt and grass stains. His hair was a few inches longer, certainly messier, and his red neckerchief was tied around his neck, as always.

When they reached the cave, they lit a fire and Merlin began to tell his story.

"I traveled north," he said, flame dancing in his eyes. "I decided it was best to get as far from Camelot as possible, so I didn't go back to Ealdor. The road ran out and I just...kept going. I would sleep under trees or in a cave if I could find one. I stayed away from villages. The further I got from Camelot, the more dangers there were to be found, you probably met them on your way here. Bandits, various knights of various kings that weren't too friendly to strangers. Often I found myself at swordpoint, only to escape at the last second. If I got out with only a black eye I was lucky. Once they completely shattered my shoulder. I could only heal so much with the magic, but I didn't know enough to do it fully." He pulled back his shirt collar to reveal a large, ugly scar. The others gasped. "And that's not to mention the beasts and the weather," He continued, putting his shirt back in place. "I am telling you my friends, you do not know danger until you have battled a wyvern in a torrential thunderstorm.

"Life was like that for a while. I spent a few months captured by King Merek as a slave in the castle. I think they liked the skill I had from being a servant back in Camelot. It wasn't so bad there, actually. If I hadn't been there I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have survived that winter. I managed to escape that place in the end, when the snow melted." He paused to stare into the fire, his face falling slightly. A small shudder ran through him, then he blinked and his smile was restored.

"Anyways, after a while I found this place, and it's served me well as a shelter. It's far from any people, no strange creatures come in here, and it keeps the rain out. It's no castle, though." He stopped now to grin at the faces around him. "I honestly thought I would never see any of you again."

"Neither did we," Said Gwaine, clapping him on the back. "Arthur here was cut to bits when that hit him."

Merlin quirked his eyebrow in Arthur's direction. "Really?"

The king cleared his throat. "I was...distraught, yes," he confessed. Merlin grinned. "Tomorrow we leave at first light back to Camelot, finding what we were looking for can wait for another time. Now we need to get some rest."

The knights all nodded and got up to find spots on the ground to sleep, smiling and clapping Merlin's shoulder as they passed. Merlin grinned back at them and bid them goodnight, not moving from his place at the fire. He turned to look back at his friend.

The two stayed up long after the knights had fallen asleep, talking in low voices, telling tales of the past year, of the hardships and horrors they had faced, and all the times they had reached out for a hand to find the space beside them empty. When the sun rose and the knights woke, they saw the two men, lying by the long extinguished fire fast asleep, hands limp beside them, nearly touching. The knights decided not to wake them up.


End file.
